“Lalarukh”, love-able girl with rosy cheeks and the cutest smile. Causes happiness wherever she goes, hence loved by all…. Yes, this exactly is the meaning of her name that I read, a while ago and since then, I am laughing hard. So hard, that my eyes are all watery and my jaws have started to hurt a little. Oh and this so called meaning was also supported by a cool sentence that was, “She is a lalarukh – how very love-able” . LOL.
They say, most of the people around us are involved in a habit of judging others. I, on the other hand, enjoy judging myself. May be that is one reason out of many others that I hate myself. The words that I write, the words which once were a cure to heal my wounds, they tend to cut me inside now. For all my life I ran away from things that He didn’t want me to do, all those years those things kept coming back to me. And at this point, when I have stopped running finally, when I have achieved and did whatever He wanted from me, I sit here empty handed with my head swirling and searching something between the revolving arms of the fan.
This echoing loneliness has the same sweet painful effect on my heart, but this time it feels like floating on the surface instead of penetrating inside like always. May be there is no heart left inside, or may be there never was one. Some days ago, I was so sure that I would live a miserable life after that transition. Life sure is miserable, only the situation is entirely different.
I hurt every single person associated with me in any way, even if I try hard not to. And then I come here and write fancy poetry to compensate what I do. How very shameful of me. I often ask a question to myself, why do people only remember that one tiny mistake you make out of all the good things you do for them ? The answers tear me apart but yes I have to ask that question again and again to hate myself more. Hatred is better than Love. Love ? It has become a useless word. Sincerity, respect and honesty is everything. Love is nothing.
And yes I write terribly now. All that fancy vocabulary and all those new ideas and twists are lost somewhere in the fog. What I am left with, is these hollow but sincere words filled with nothingness. No meaning, no point, nothing. Just simple words, poor arrangement of letters. I once used to win the hearts of people with these, they honored my work, they dedicated posts to appreciate me. Me ? What was I ? I was nothing. It was just a phase of me, a shadow that is lost with all the other ones in a vast dark forest of my soul.
I still write. How absurd I am. How absurd are these words. Felt by no one but just me, soon they’d be read by no one but just me !
“lalarukh”, a girl with rosy cheeks but a black heart, cutest smile and a disgusting soul. Causes sadness and tears wherever she goes, hence hated by all. I have the right to change this definition, and guess what, I just did !