Sitting at the same place, with the same walls of depression all around me, I cry. I cry out loud like an innocent prisoner who rubs his feet to get rid of that jail he never deserved, that was made his fate forever. A lifetime punishment, a dungeon till death. Four months back, when I was stepping in a new life, I was feeling the same. Frightened, scared, horrified and confused I was. My life turned upside down but the down part turned out to be the good one.
These four months were given to me so that I might recognize and understand the true taste of happiness and satisfaction, I wasn’t aware of the taste before. I longed for these two things the most, without knowing how they taste. The mix of wait and wish was painful but not excruciating.
The pain that you feel, when things get snatched from your hands, after you become aware of their taste, is bad. Very bad, I must say. From the point I started breathing with awareness till now, the same happens to me. Every time, I am given something, a happiness, a satisfaction, some love, a moment of peace… and then it is snatched away from my hands. I don’t know for good or for bad. I don’t want to understand.
I can feel my mind numb now. I don’t feel anything for the relations that are close to me, sometimes. I get so numb and dangerous sometimes that I feel pleasure hurting the people who care for me. I don’t know what gets into me and what is the freaking problem with my mind, it feels like a cluster of intangible threads. The thought of straightening them up makes me scared. What if I get everything sorted out and then I come to know that things were not meant to be like they are now. What if everything feels wrong then ?
These four months were the best, the right-est months of my life. I wish everything gets back to normal again…. Normal was never my thing though.
Sitting at the same place where I used to sit for I guess 7 years, and crying, like the same old days…. it feels awkward now. When all my paths and ways are straight, when everything seems quite simple and easy, why is my mind not at pace ? May be because I lost my connection with the one who gave me all this happiness. After all, I am the same human being who forgets Him when he is happy and come back to Him when He gives him pain.
I don’t deserve to be called as human.