Like Old Days

Sitting at the same place, with the same walls of depression all around me, I cry. I cry out loud like an innocent prisoner who rubs his feet to get rid of that jail he never deserved, that was made his fate forever. A lifetime punishment, a dungeon till death. Four months back, when I was stepping in a new life, I was feeling the same. Frightened, scared, horrified and confused I was. My life turned upside down but the down part turned out to be the good one.

These four months were given to me so that I might recognize and understand the true taste of happiness and satisfaction, I wasn’t aware of the taste before. I longed for these two things the most, without knowing how they taste. The mix of wait and wish was painful but not excruciating.

The pain that you feel, when things get snatched from your hands, after you become aware of their taste, is bad. Very bad, I must say. From the point I started breathing with awareness till now, the same happens to me. Every time, I am given something, a happiness, a satisfaction, some love, a moment of peace… and then it is snatched away from my hands. I don’t know for good or for bad. I don’t want to understand.

I can feel my mind numb now. I don’t feel anything for the relations that are close to me, sometimes. I get so numb and dangerous sometimes that I feel pleasure hurting the people who care for me. I don’t know what gets into me and what is the freaking problem with my mind, it feels like a cluster of intangible threads. The thought of straightening them up makes me scared. What if I get everything sorted out and then I come to know that things were not meant to be like they are now. What if everything feels wrong then ?

These four months were the best, the right-est months of my life. I wish everything gets back to normal again…. Normal was never my thing though.

Sitting at the same place where I used to sit for I guess 7 years, and crying, like the same old days…. it feels awkward now. When all my paths and ways are straight, when everything seems quite simple and easy, why is my mind not at pace ? May be because I lost my connection with the one who gave me all this happiness. After all, I am the same human being who forgets Him when he is happy and come back to Him when He gives him pain.

I don’t deserve to be called as human.

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4 thoughts on “Like Old Days

  1. Hmm…

    🙂 And BTW… Before I start… I got you… I had a hint of who you are from the first post… Became increasingly sure yesterday and am absolutely sure today…

    It is the fear speaking… Fear of losing what you have… Fear of losing what you acquired. Past that haunts you till this day is a thing of past… Reliving those moments beyond a limit would drag you back with it… And you would try in vain to touch the human figures of smoke…

    Dearest friend of mine… The past teaches you a lesson… The same old lesson… The lesson to live in the present… The time that must be spent grooming the present should not be wasted recalling the past… You have flowers of the present in your hands… Don’t leave them for the thorns of the past… The thorns can destroy the flowers…

    Instead sprinkle the eternal water of love and care on the flower and they would bloom forever… What good does sprinkling water on thorns does? The dried flowers never bloom back once transformed into thorns… Do they? 🙂

    BTW… Enable the option of following by email 🙂

  2. Assalamu alaikum, Golden Girl! This is my first time on your blog and I was totally intrigued by the ‘Secret Golden Notebook’ title 🙂

    I do not know you personally nor do I understand your situation or your past, but the present is too precious to waste on just feeling pain. May you have the strength to rediscover and cherish all the happiness and peace that you deserve.

    Cheers!

    • Hi nadia, How much does it cost to have your own domain name? and can non-tech bloggers maintain their own sites without the need of external help? Thanks.

  3. You were going so good till mid way. I still feel the same thing , losing the things I love and having the feeling that if I am happy something is not right and my happiness will be taken away. I think I used to feel that because now I am content. I learned to fight for those. I remember how good I used to feel whenever I had a chance to smoke hash. Now I told everyone I smoke hash and they can fuckoff. So maybe you can fight for them.,

    Your writing skill is going down hill. It has become so similar to me. No fancy vocabulary, no sense of time. I know you want to express whatever you think of on your blog and you hardly get the time for blog, same here, but you are a good writer. Don’t waste that talent.

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