Girl With Rosy Cheeks……

“Lalarukh”, love-able girl with rosy cheeks and the cutest smile. Causes happiness wherever she goes, hence loved by all…. Yes, this exactly is the meaning of her name that I read, a while ago and since then, I am laughing hard. So hard, that my eyes are all watery and my jaws have started to hurt a little. Oh and this so called meaning was also supported by a cool sentence that was, “She is a lalarukh – how very love-able” . LOL.

They say, most of the people around us are involved in a habit of judging others. I, on the other hand, enjoy judging myself. May be that is one reason out of many others that I hate myself. The words that I write, the words which once were a cure to heal my wounds, they tend to cut me inside now. For all my life I ran away from things that He didn’t want me to do, all those years those things kept coming back to me. And at this point, when I have stopped running finally, when I have achieved and did whatever He wanted from me, I sit here empty handed with my head swirling and searching something between the revolving arms of the fan.

This echoing loneliness has the same sweet painful effect on my heart, but this time it feels like floating on the surface instead of penetrating inside like always. May be there is no heart left inside, or may be there never was one. Some days ago, I was so sure that I would live a miserable life after that transition. Life sure is miserable, only the situation is entirely different.

I hurt every single person associated with me in any way, even if I try hard not to. And then I come here and write fancy poetry to compensate what I do. How very shameful of me. I often ask a question to myself, why do people only remember that one tiny mistake you make out of all the good things you do for them ?  The answers tear me apart but yes I have to ask that question again and again to hate myself more. Hatred is better than Love. Love ? It has become a useless word. Sincerity, respect and honesty is everything. Love is nothing.

And yes I write terribly now. All that fancy vocabulary and all those new ideas and twists are lost somewhere in the fog. What I am left with, is these hollow but sincere words filled with nothingness. No meaning, no point, nothing. Just simple words, poor arrangement of letters. I once used to win the hearts of people with these, they honored my work, they dedicated posts to appreciate me. Me ? What was I ? I was nothing. It was just a phase of me, a shadow that is lost with all the other ones in a vast dark forest of my soul.

I still write. How absurd I am. How absurd are these words. Felt by no one but just me, soon they’d be read by no one but just me !

“lalarukh”, a girl with rosy cheeks but a black heart, cutest smile and a disgusting soul. Causes sadness and tears wherever she goes, hence hated by all. I have the right to change this definition, and guess what, I just did !

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Like Old Days

Sitting at the same place, with the same walls of depression all around me, I cry. I cry out loud like an innocent prisoner who rubs his feet to get rid of that jail he never deserved, that was made his fate forever. A lifetime punishment, a dungeon till death. Four months back, when I was stepping in a new life, I was feeling the same. Frightened, scared, horrified and confused I was. My life turned upside down but the down part turned out to be the good one.

These four months were given to me so that I might recognize and understand the true taste of happiness and satisfaction, I wasn’t aware of the taste before. I longed for these two things the most, without knowing how they taste. The mix of wait and wish was painful but not excruciating.

The pain that you feel, when things get snatched from your hands, after you become aware of their taste, is bad. Very bad, I must say. From the point I started breathing with awareness till now, the same happens to me. Every time, I am given something, a happiness, a satisfaction, some love, a moment of peace… and then it is snatched away from my hands. I don’t know for good or for bad. I don’t want to understand.

I can feel my mind numb now. I don’t feel anything for the relations that are close to me, sometimes. I get so numb and dangerous sometimes that I feel pleasure hurting the people who care for me. I don’t know what gets into me and what is the freaking problem with my mind, it feels like a cluster of intangible threads. The thought of straightening them up makes me scared. What if I get everything sorted out and then I come to know that things were not meant to be like they are now. What if everything feels wrong then ?

These four months were the best, the right-est months of my life. I wish everything gets back to normal again…. Normal was never my thing though.

Sitting at the same place where I used to sit for I guess 7 years, and crying, like the same old days…. it feels awkward now. When all my paths and ways are straight, when everything seems quite simple and easy, why is my mind not at pace ? May be because I lost my connection with the one who gave me all this happiness. After all, I am the same human being who forgets Him when he is happy and come back to Him when He gives him pain.

I don’t deserve to be called as human.

It Sure Was The Scorcher Today

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Dear Diary,

I was covered in sweat from head to toe when I woke up. I could feel sweat drops slipping down my body. It was the time of noon, when the sun was at it’s peak. The temperature was 48 degree centigrade today, here in my city. There was no electricity and I could see the jammed fan staring at me furiously. I stood up, washed my face and sprayed some rose water over it to get a cooling effect. I could feel everything failing, along with my hopes.

I walked outside the room, into the porch. Hot heatwaves welcomed me and I felt like I have stepped into a burning furnace. I could never understand why the sun becomes so furious for us. Every year we hear that increasing hot temperature has broke all the previous records. Every year people die of this hot weather.

I have often came across articles on word press, where people of different countries complaint of the ‘bad weather’, and by bad weather they mean heavy rainfall or snowfall. Last night I was talking to my husband on phone, he lives in UK, and he told me that the weather is pleasant today. The first thing that came into my mind was that it’d be raining in fine drops and sky would be covered with blue clouds. I was wrong, by pleasant he meant sunlight and a slight warm temperature. I could never imagine how sunshine and hotness can be pleasant for anyone.

My skin was burning, my head felt like a boiling hot ball of fire. Why this rage, why this fury for us ? This scorching heat along with the dead silence has the power to kill.

I stare at the dark delicious chocolate melting down on my fingers, dripping on the palm of my hand and I kept staring. I see colorful  ice-cream transferring back to the viscous mixture of milk and sugar. I can’t eat anything, food makes me feel dizzy in summers.

Right now, when I write my diary, it’s pages are damp with my sweat and my head has started spinning along with the spinning fan. Sometimes we have no choice but to live with the pains that bother us, in the hope of better days, I guess.

Later, Diary… Let me breathe in fresh air or I’ll die.

Human Skin? How Does It Taste Like ?

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While laying down on my bed with my face pointed downwards on the floor, my mind is busy sorting out things. I am thinking about writing my first post for this blog, and about the hot weather that is making everyone including me, crazy and mostly about the ants which are wandering here and there on my carpet. I am in a habit of screeching the skin around my nails with my other hand’s nails and I feel pleasure doing it. Sometimes blood comes out and I feel a slight burning or pain but most of the time I don’t.

I was doing the same today and throwing tiny scrapes of my skin on the carpet when I noticed that a lot of ants have been gathered around them. So I left everything and lied down to observe them.

Small identical black ants have covered a comparatively large pale yellow skin part as if it were black in color. Some ants are in a rush while grabbing a small part in their mouth. Two of them are trying to take one piece in opposite sides and no one is succeeding, so they are in the same position from quite a time now. Do ants eat human skin and flesh ? That information was new to me. I mean how do it taste like… bitter ?

I know I sound gross to the decent people. They’d be thinking, how messy this new girl is. I have a question for you decent people… Do you know how do it taste like ? I mean the human flesh and skin ? I have seen you eating it.

Last summer I was walking down the street when I saw some young boys who belonged to a big dangerous political party and they were beating an innocent man for not giving them the money they asked for. People passed by and no one tried to stop them. No one called the police as they were afraid, police will arrest them instead of arresting these guys because they were the power stronger than police and judiciary. Those guys left and then I saw people eating their flesh and skin. I felt the taste in my mouth too.

Every time I see people accusing each other, back biting and fighting with their own brothers, I feel like they eat each other’s flesh and skin. Every time a young cool kid disrespects his parents, I feel his tummy full with their flesh. Every time I see young dudes laughing and harassing the girls passing by, I start feeling vomiting with the smell of human flesh and skin spread around them.

Oh and some days ago, I saw the news on TV. A mother ate her daughter and son alive. She killed them because according to her, their was no food for them to eat and they had no money. She must have enjoyed the meal. This type of news is not new, many mothers and fathers eat their children daily because they get scared of poverty.

And hence I see all this and I don’t have the courage to stop anyone, anything. I can feel the taste in my mouth too right now, It definitely is ‘bitter’. We humans have become ‘zombies’ with’ minds’. We engrave humanity and eat fresh flesh. These innocent ants are not guilty. And… I never knew they can eat human flesh and skin too.