Like Old Days

Sitting at the same place, with the same walls of depression all around me, I cry. I cry out loud like an innocent prisoner who rubs his feet to get rid of that jail he never deserved, that was made his fate forever. A lifetime punishment, a dungeon till death. Four months back, when I was stepping in a new life, I was feeling the same. Frightened, scared, horrified and confused I was. My life turned upside down but the down part turned out to be the good one.

These four months were given to me so that I might recognize and understand the true taste of happiness and satisfaction, I wasn’t aware of the taste before. I longed for these two things the most, without knowing how they taste. The mix of wait and wish was painful but not excruciating.

The pain that you feel, when things get snatched from your hands, after you become aware of their taste, is bad. Very bad, I must say. From the point I started breathing with awareness till now, the same happens to me. Every time, I am given something, a happiness, a satisfaction, some love, a moment of peace… and then it is snatched away from my hands. I don’t know for good or for bad. I don’t want to understand.

I can feel my mind numb now. I don’t feel anything for the relations that are close to me, sometimes. I get so numb and dangerous sometimes that I feel pleasure hurting the people who care for me. I don’t know what gets into me and what is the freaking problem with my mind, it feels like a cluster of intangible threads. The thought of straightening them up makes me scared. What if I get everything sorted out and then I come to know that things were not meant to be like they are now. What if everything feels wrong then ?

These four months were the best, the right-est months of my life. I wish everything gets back to normal again…. Normal was never my thing though.

Sitting at the same place where I used to sit for I guess 7 years, and crying, like the same old days…. it feels awkward now. When all my paths and ways are straight, when everything seems quite simple and easy, why is my mind not at pace ? May be because I lost my connection with the one who gave me all this happiness. After all, I am the same human being who forgets Him when he is happy and come back to Him when He gives him pain.

I don’t deserve to be called as human.

Advertisements

It Sure Was The Scorcher Today

thermometer-580x386

Dear Diary,

I was covered in sweat from head to toe when I woke up. I could feel sweat drops slipping down my body. It was the time of noon, when the sun was at it’s peak. The temperature was 48 degree centigrade today, here in my city. There was no electricity and I could see the jammed fan staring at me furiously. I stood up, washed my face and sprayed some rose water over it to get a cooling effect. I could feel everything failing, along with my hopes.

I walked outside the room, into the porch. Hot heatwaves welcomed me and I felt like I have stepped into a burning furnace. I could never understand why the sun becomes so furious for us. Every year we hear that increasing hot temperature has broke all the previous records. Every year people die of this hot weather.

I have often came across articles on word press, where people of different countries complaint of the ‘bad weather’, and by bad weather they mean heavy rainfall or snowfall. Last night I was talking to my husband on phone, he lives in UK, and he told me that the weather is pleasant today. The first thing that came into my mind was that it’d be raining in fine drops and sky would be covered with blue clouds. I was wrong, by pleasant he meant sunlight and a slight warm temperature. I could never imagine how sunshine and hotness can be pleasant for anyone.

My skin was burning, my head felt like a boiling hot ball of fire. Why this rage, why this fury for us ? This scorching heat along with the dead silence has the power to kill.

I stare at the dark delicious chocolate melting down on my fingers, dripping on the palm of my hand and I kept staring. I see colorful ┬áice-cream transferring back to the viscous mixture of milk and sugar. I can’t eat anything, food makes me feel dizzy in summers.

Right now, when I write my diary, it’s pages are damp with my sweat and my head has started spinning along with the spinning fan. Sometimes we have no choice but to live with the pains that bother us, in the hope of better days, I guess.

Later, Diary… Let me breathe in fresh air or I’ll die.